Facade
by Layna Remi
Summary: Buck is in a bad place, with no one to talk to but this is the least of his worries with his bad luck. All characters in this one, mainly Buck. Buck Whump Warning:Character Depression
1. Chapter 1

Hello all, this is my very first 911 sorry! I had this pop into my head as I re-watched the third season and it will focus mainly in that time between the tsunami and the early stage of when Buck gets hired back after the lawsuit. Obviously, the whole team will be involved but I will be focusing mainly on Buck's struggle of getting over PTSD and another event I will be making up. Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think, thanks!

"Christopher," Buck shot up from his restless sleep, drenched in sweat and trying to catch his breath. These nightmares were recurrent, usually ending the same way; he would be walking up to the "Morgue Tent" where he would spot Christopher's glasses on top of the wrapped bodies, he would wake up just as he reached out to check. He rubbed his face, taking a few calming breaths before swinging his feet over the edge of his bed and pushing himself up. He tapped his phone causing it to light up and display the time, 3:15am. Sure it was early, but he had nowhere to be today. He pushed himself up and slowly made his way downstairs. These 3am trips to the kitchen were very common, but he had no one around to talk to. His team hated him, correction the whole LAFD hated him, well with the exception of Chimney and Hen. He figured the only reason Chim was nice to him was because of Maddie constantly expressing her concern. He loved Maddie but after Chimney had come up to him in the firehouse asking about his state, he stopped telling her everything. She knew she meant well, and that Chimney was a friend looking out but it's the last thing he wanted.

He stood in front of his almost empty fridge, staring mindlessly at few apples that sat in the crisper, the beer that sat top shelf and the water bottles lined perfectly next to them. It was a no brainer for him, he took a water and sat at the kitchen island. As said earlier, this was a regular routine; some nights he would stay in bed as his hidden depression lay heavy in his mind. He couldn't look weak on the few days that Bobby had allowed him back, he had to be strong and prove himself. Lately that meant staying behind when calls came and cleaning the house spotless before they came back and the team intentionally messed it up again. Maybe he deserved it, he told himself that a lot, he screwed up with the lawsuit, at the time he was hurt and angry and he did something stupid and, in the process, he hurt his friends. They deserved the right to be angry with him, if roles were switched, he was sure he would be the same way. His decision was not made on a level head, he had been sleep deprived since the tsunami and that was months ago.

He pulled his phone over and flipped through the pictures, settling on the one he had sent Eddie that day, before everything went to hell. When he would look at it right after the natural disaster, he couldn't help but cry. He knew that Christopher was having nightmares, when they were talking Eddie would tell him that. He felt guilty every time and he knew Eddie wasn't telling him to hurt him but rather to ask Buck if he struggled too. It was hard for Eddie to understand what they went through, for the majority of that day Eddie thought Buck and Chris were safe and sound. He only had that panic and worry for a split second after Buck broke the news but was easily consoled when he spotted Christopher. Buck never told Eddie the nauseous feeling he felt that day, the impending feeling of doom, he only told Maddie later on when she arrived at the VA hospital.

With being on thin ice with Bobby, getting the cold shoulder from Eddie, being afraid of telling anything to Chimney and Maggie in fear of it going to the other, and knowing that Hen was going though things; Buck didn't really speak to anyone. There were times he used Carla as a shoulder to lean on, but he didn't want to burden her as she had just started with a new client. He was alone or at least that's how he felt. He had always been a happy go lucky guy; before it all he was the same joking and happy Buck and now he felt like a shell of himself.

He looked at his phone again, 4:45am, he had been sitting in the dark, water untouched and with no will to go back upstairs and lay down. He didn't have work today, Bobby had cut him down to three shifts a week, a probational period to feel out whether Buck was serious or not. He was, serious about the job; he couldn't remember a single time in his life where he hadn't wanted to be a firefighter, much to his parent's protest. His father wanted him to be an attorney like him and his mother dreamed that their son would go into the medical field like Maddie. Right now, being held back, he knew why, and he didn't question it but it only added more to the feeling of being… useless. He sighed, leaving the kitchen and settling down on the couch, he needed sleep, Maddie would most certainly do her regular Tuesday check in. He let himself slowly drift off even though he knew what waited for him in his nightmares.

Maddie had always been there for Buck even though she could tell he was frustrated with her most of the time for being a little pushy. She was 13 when he was born, it was completely unplanned and unexpected it was evident in both her parents' eyes when they sat her down and told her. She never expected to take on the responsibilities of parenting him as both their parents heavily enveloped in their work. That is why she mother henned him and she didn't care that he was annoyed. She could obviously tell that he wasn't himself these past few months, that is why she checked up on him and forced him out of his apartment.

She stood at the door knocking for the second time waiting for an answer; she had her hand on her copy of the key to his apartment, but she quickly let it go when she heard the locks click.

"Sorry I was in the shower." He greeted her.

"I was beginning to worry," She teased.

"You don't have to," he grumbled. Obviously, he was in a mood and by the looks of the dark circles under his eyes she could tell he hadn't slept again.

"I know," she said innocently.

"I'm sorry Mads, I guess I'm a little tired." It wasn't her intention to make him feel bad, so she waved off his apology.

"I was thinking we could go to that diner…uhm, what was the name, the one we went to last Monday."

"Jay's," he called from the top of the stairs.

"Yeah, you said they had a good eggs benedict."

"Sure, we can go there," he called back.

"And maybe after we can go to the farmers market," she suggested after opening his fridge, "what have you been living off of, beer, water and apples?" She heard him descend the stairs, throwing a shirt on as he made his way back to her.

"Sorry Mom," he teased. "The farmer Market sounds great I do need food," he confessed.

"Then we have a plan." As he sat and put on his shoes, she scoped on what she could in the apartment, it was pretty messy for Buck. He was always a neat freak wherever he lived, when he had crashed at her place after her attack he hadn't a care in the world but he always took pride in how neat he was. She noted a couple clothing items sitting on the stairs, his kitchen island had a few water bottles clustered together and his dishes were piling up in the sink. She had to pick her battles though so the state of his apartment was not something she would bring up while he was in this rare form.

"Ready to go," He asked.

"Mhmm," she nodded with a smile.

Breakfast had gone well; he had held the conversation, even asking about her and Chimney. He normally would roll his eyes at that gushy stuff between his sister and friend, but she could tell that he knew she was privately evaluating him. She took the bate and talked about how Chimney had asked her out tonight for drinks, she didn't indulge the details that Bobby, Athena, Hen and Eddie would be there, and he didn't ask. He knew but he didn't ask, he didn't want a sympathy invite anyway or to make anyone uncomfortable with his presence. She quickly had changed the topic to her coworker friend Josh dating some mystery man, and by mystery she meant that he was being extremely secretive, and she had no idea why.

"Probably just in the beginning stages of the relationship, wants to make sure there is something there," Buck offered as he paid the bill.

"Yeah maybe," She shrugged.

"I don't doubt for a second detective Maddie will get all the answers."

"I am not detective Maddie," she protested.

"Come on Maddie, you are a true investigator, I used to try so hard when I was younger to sneak out but you always knew." He zipped up his jacket, holding the door with his back for Maddie.

"That's because you had the world's worst poker face at dinners."

"Whatever, you are a detective, you went into the wrong job profession."

"Maybe, Can you hear it now; Maddie Buckley, PI" She laughed but when Buck failed to respond she turned back to him. He stood small as he gaze darted from the floor to the people approaching, Bobby, Hen, Eddie, and Christopher. She knew Tuesdays were usually their days off, so she wasn't surprised to see them together minus Chimney who had a dentist appointment.

"Buck!" The excitement as obviously from none other than Christopher, he always wore the constant smile on his face.

"Hey Buddy," Buck said meekly.

"Hey Buck, Maddie," Hen greeted.

"Hi Hen, how are you," She could feel the tension, you could cut through it with a knife. Eddie wore the same frown on his face everytime he encountered Buck and Bobby stayed his stoic self before offering a hello. They stood in silence for a minute before Christopher who was innocently unaware of the situation turned to Buck.

"We are going to get Pancakes, want to come?" Buck quickly shot a doe eyed deer look to Eddie.

"Actually Buddy, Maddie and I already ate, but you enjoy."

"Okay," Christopher giggled. It pained Buck to know that he hadn't seen Chris or hung out with him in over a month, I also pained him that he lost his friend.

"See you tomorrow Buckley," Bobby had now reverted back to using Bucks full last name. It was like being stripped of your place on the team almost.

"Yeah see you tomorrow." Maddie hated this, she hated how defeated Buck sounded, she hated that the team was angry at him, she hated that he was hiding things from her and she hated that she couldn't do anything about it. "Come on Maddie," the sadness in his voice made her want to cry but she didn't, he knew he wouldn't appreciate her pity. Instead she sat in the drivers seat, biting her lip to hold back wanting to ask him if he was alright.

"I'm fine," he said, three minutes into their drive. All she could do was nod even though everything inside of her wanted to ask him, "Are you really?

Maddie left, she had tried her best to stay but Buck told her he was tired which wasn't a lie and that he needed to take a nap. He watched her fight the urge to ask him, he really hated that he was making her worry so much so instead he offered her a smile.

"We can go to Stony's next Tuesday, I heard their omelets are killer."

"Okay," Obviously he wasn't convincing enough but she left it alone.

"Thanks for taking me shopping, I needed the fresh air," he added as he walked her to the door.

"And the food," She half heartedly joked.

"Yeah that too," he let out a weak laugh. She did what she did every Tuesday, she wrapped him in a tight hug, she had been doing this actually since the tsunami. After the bomb she was on edge, but the tsunami sent her over the edge. It was like every hug she gave him would be their last. He always took them though, it was nice to have someone there even though he didn't tell her everything. "Have a good time with Chimney tonight, tell him no more darts."

"I cleaned him out last week, its on." She lingered in the doorway for a minute more before walking down the hall, stopping a few steps in and turning to wave goodbye. Then, finally he was alone again and like every Tuesday after Maddie left, he would climb the stairs back to his room, throw his phone on the charger and wrap himself in the cocoon of covers. He would stay there the remainder of the day, sometimes he would sleep sometimes he would lie away but there was no energy, no reason to get up. If she didn't force him out every Tuesday, he would probably stay in bed all day like he did with his other days off. Today was one of the day's he fell asleep, he would be jolted awake every two hours due to nightmare but he stayed in bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Walking into the firehouse was not the same as when he first started. It was one giant cold shoulder with everyone and anyone he passed, the only acknowledgement he got was a few glares here and there. Nowadays he kept his head down, at least until Hen or Chimney appeared but today, they weren't around. He made the long walk to the locker room, as soon as he set foot in there it seemed to clear out. It was a toll, he knew that it would take a long time before anyone forgave him, he did try to sue the firehouse after all.

"Hey there Buck," Chim patted him on the back before heading to his locker.

"Hey Chim," Buck greeted weakly.

"You okay?" Chimney spun around and studied Buck, he had noticed it for a while that the energy and spark had been fizzled, but it seemed to be getting worse.

"Yeah, fine," He forced a fake smile on and slammed his locker shut. "I should probably go, there is a long list of to dos that Cap has for me." Chimney watched in concern as Buck walked away, watching as his coworkers weaved in and out to avoid him. He debated texting Maddie, she had stayed with him the other night and had voiced her concern with him about how Buck had changed recently. She was afraid because he stopped talking to her about anything and she knew that he didn't confide in anyone else.

"Something on your mind Chim?" Hen caught him lost in space.

"Buck, I'm a little worried with how he is."

"You caught that too," She sighed, "he is having a tough time."

"Guess all we can do is be there for him, keep an eye out."

"Yeah, guess so." Chimney was just standing up when the call bell went off, Hen and he quickly joined the team, suiting up and taking their places in the truck. It killed him to see Buck stay behind, a glorified janitor for now.

Buck stifled a yawn while trying to sneak past Bobby who was starting lunch in the kitchen. It smelled amazing, some Italian dish he couldn't remember the name for but he knew he wasn't going to have today. He tried to avoid the "family" meals, his first one back he remembered Chimney inviting him to sit but he was met with eyes from all the rest of the firehouse, so he excused himself and ate alone in the locker room.

"Are we tiring you out," Bobby inquired as he broke the pasta into the pan of boiling water.

"No, I uh… I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

"Something on your mind?" Bobby hadn't been cold to Buck just a little reserved and cautious about trusting him again. Buck understood, trust takes time to build back up, though it may never fully be regained.

"It's nothing Cap, just not a good night's sleep."

"Buckley," his warning tone made a chill run though Buck's spine.

"I'm fine," he lied as he snagged his salad from the fridge. He didn't give time for anymore questions instead he jogged down the stairs and out to the picnic table that he usually sat at for lunch. The breeze was cool, a mid October day the sun cast down with not a cloud in the sky.

"Hey Buck," a familiar voice called.

"Hey Athena, here for lunch?"

"You bet, are you not joining?"

"Nah, diet," he replied. She did a once over and didn't like what she saw. A once happy and energetic Buck was now a dark circle under the eyes and in happy guy she barely noticed anymore.

"You okay?"

"Yeah fine," he forced a smile.

"Buck," the same warning tone, he knew Bobby and Athena where meant to be.

"Just tired, I haven't been sleeping so great." She took the bench opposite him and gave him a concerned hard look. "I've just been a little stressed that's all, I'll be fine." He found himself saying that word a lot; fine, to Maddie, Chim, Hen, the team.

"It's okay not to be you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Things May have been rocky but Buck Bobby and I are here for you."

"I know, thanks Athena," he wanted to tell someone, he was drowning. Drowning in PTSD nightmares, drowning in stress over whether he could regain the friendships he had, drowning with no way out in sight. He wanted to tell her and she sat there with that look that told him it was okay but instead he reverted back to holding back and instead smiled and said, "better get in there before everything is gone."

He could see the disappointment in her face but she offered the same smile and accepted that today wasn't going to be the day that she got him to open up. She stands and starts to walk away before laying a hand on his shoulder, she doesn't need to say anything because he knows.

"Buckley," he was in the middle of finishing cleaning the truck when Bobby called him as he descended the stairs.

"Yeah Cap," he hoped that maybe soon Bobby would take away the "light duty" and let him go on the next call. He had tried to prove himself by scrubbing down the firehouse, handling the phones, basically following any instructions Bobby gives him.

"I'm sending you home early," his heart dropped.

"I'm still on for a few more hours," he protested lightly.

"I'm aware, go home and get some rest, you've worked hard today."

"All I did was clean all day."

"Which is hard work, go home and get some rest," he repeated.

"Okay," Buck wondered if Athena had voiced her concern to Bobby. He took his rag and bucket with him as he headed to the locker room in defeat. While he walked out he lingered at the garage door, Chim and Eddie were joking about something and Hen and another Bobby we're discussing something important. He fought the urge to go to Bobby and ask to stay, instead he forced himself to keep moving out and towards his truck.

He always suspected Maddie had that sixth sense since she came into town, after seeing him through two injuries she was hyper vigilant when it came to all matters Buck. He thought about this as he walked into his apartment and nearly dropped dead of a heartache when he found her sitting at the kitchen counter with two cups of coffee at the ready.

"Jesus Maddie," He gasped, throwing his keys on the counter, "I'm really thinking I should take away that spare key."

"Never gonna happen," She slid him the cup of coffee, the steam that was radiating off of the top confirmed this was just made.

"Did Chimney give you a heads up or what?"

"I have my ways."

"Yep, definitely Chim."

"Bobby sent you home early, that's the third time this week."

"You're keeping track," he rolled his eyes.

"I'm just worried."

"You don't have to be Maddie; he doesn't want to over work me."

"Is that really the reason or is there something else."

"Listen Maddie, he can do what he wants, he is the captain."

"He wont even let you out on calls," she protested.

"Which I thought you would appreciate," He threw his hands up in the air with frustration.

"Buck I'm just…"

"Worried; I know Mads, but its my own fault, I broke the teams trust and I am the one who has to rebuild it, suffer the consequences."

"Buck, you shouldn't be held back that's not what you fought for."

"I know what I fought for but its going to take time to forgive, I understand that." He was trying his best to keep his temper down; like her he worried to and she was still jumpy in tense situations thanks to the asshole ex-husband. "Listen, I am fine, and it was good to send me home I am exhausted."

"You're still not sleeping," she sighed. He cursed himself silently for letting that hint slip to her. Another reason for her to worry, another reason for him to feel guilty about something.

"I am, I just spent the whole day scrubbing down the entire fire house." She gave him an unconvinced look. "I did, listen, all I want to do is shower off all cleaning solutions and go to bed, I do have work tomorrow." She took the cue but not so lightly, he could tell she wanted to protest but like every other time he knew she didn't want to push.

"Fine but call me tomorrow, maybe we can grab dinner after shift."

"Can do," He walked her to the door, which was a little work, but they made it. "And listen, no more Buck talk between you and Chimney, I'll be okay."

"No promises."

"Maddie," he warned.

"Fine, but please Buck, if you don't want to talk to me, talk to someone." She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and exited the apartment. He lingered in the doorway for a moment more making sure she was out of sight before the forced smile he wore towards the end of their conversation wore off. Maybe she was right, perhaps he should talk to someone.


	3. Chapter 3

"Buckley, what can I do for you," Bobby noticed Buck standing shyly in the doorway to his office. He watched as Buck hesitated; like the previous day Buck looked exhausted but unlike yesterday he looked skittish and unsure. "Buck?" The younger man stepped into the doorway and for a moment Bobby could have sworn that Buck was going to be sick.

"Hey Cap, can we talk for a minute?"

"Come in," Bobby motioned to the chair across from him and Buck nervously took it. He didn't say anything at first, instead he took a white envelope out of his pocket and slid it across the desk. The last time Buck had given Bobby an envelope it was to let him know that he was being sued. Cautiously and curiously Bobby took the envelope and ripped it open. He was confused to say the least when he say the typed letter, on the bottom signed messily by Buck. "What is this?"

"My letter of resignation," Buck didn't make eye contact, he couldn't; this was clearly ripping his heart out. "I am resigning my position as an LAFD firefighter."

"Buck are you sure," Bobby asked baffled.

"It's for the best, I don't… I can't be here anymore."

"After you fought to come back?"

"I have made a mistake, I put the LAFD in the line of fire and have lost the trust of my coworkers which is the very foundation of this family."

"Buck," Bobby protested.

"This is my decision, and I apologize for the pain I brought to the department." He stood from his spot, "Thank you for the opportunity, for teaching me and guiding me, I am grateful, good luck."

"Buck," Bobby called out, but it was too late Buck had already bolted out of the office and to the garage floor. "Buck," He tried chasing after him, but Buck continued to the parking lot.

"What's going on Bobby?" Chimney, Hen, and Eddie took around him in confusion, truth be told he was too.

"Evan Buckley, if you ignore another one of my phones calls, I will kill you," that is if she could find him. So far since Chimney had called her to inform her that Buck had quit his job, she had texted him 22 timed, called him 11 and had left 5 angry messages. Now she sat in her apartment with Chimney who was freshly off shift and confused much like the rest of them as to why Buck had resigned and where he was.

"He will call you; he probably just needs some space." Chimney set a couple of glasses down on the table before sitting beside her on the couch.

"It has been nine hours, he isn't answering, he isn't home…"

"Maybe he is, you checked four hours ago."

"No, I asked his neighbor across the hall to let me know if he comes home," She sighed in frustration. Currently she was trying to wrack her brain with anyone in town where he could be with. Everyone from the fire station was out, Carla hadn't seen him and as far as she knew Buck hadn't had contact with Ali since she broke up with him.

"He will call, he is probably just in need of time to think."

"It's getting late, I'm just worried he hasn't been himself." Chimney would agree 100% about this, he constantly talked with Hen about Buck's mood change. He watched as she nervously bounced her knee, looking down at her phone as if it would magically ring and be Buck. "He's been so depressed lately and he fought to come back, sure it wasn't the correct way, but he wanted to be there."

"He told Bobby that he felt like he broke our trust."

"Which wasn't his intention," She became defensive.

"And I know that, but everyone else in the firehouse, he hurt them and its going to take some time."

"God, all he wanted was to be part of the team again and now he isn't, and he isn't answering, and he's been acting strange and what if he…"

"Don't think like that," Chimney stopped her immediately.

"I see it all the time, when I was a nurse, when I get the calls at the dispatching center."

"Maddie…"

"No, its true and he has been distancing himself lately, holding out on telling me anything and I thought maybe it was because I was smothering him but what if he felt like a burden."

"Buck knows you have his back," He tried to calm her.

"I know but he hasn't talked to anyone, he hasn't been sleeping and he barely eats, I worry." He wished he could say something, anything to calm her down, to ease her mind but at this point it was useless. Instead he wrapped his arms around her and held her close as they both sat staring at a phone that wouldn't ring for the whole night and or into the next morning.

Buck was two hours away from home, he was bleeding and cold but worst of all he was stuck with a dying woman beside him. He had left his phone turned off in his glovebox which was a mistake, his water bottle was empty zip up in shreds. The sun had gone down about an hour prior and already the temperature had dropped significantly. He internally cursed himself for not telling anyone where he was going even though the reason, he come out here was to get away from it all. He had left the fire station so quickly that no one had the time to question him, he just hopped in the truck, turned off his phone and threw it in the glove box. He drove for two straight hours, radio off and windows down, enjoying the silence as he left the city onto open road. After two hours of driving he spotted one of the rest stops signs mentioning a national park and he took his opportunity.

He looked to the woman who lay beside him, her face riddled with worry as her eyes pleaded for him to help her. He had been trying, for the past three to get them out of this predicament but the park had been pretty sparse of visitor and he had seen one ranger at the gate when he came in who didn't even bother to check him in. Now he was left on a small ledge cliff, far away from the trail, too far for anyone to hear him call for help, though he had tried.

"How is the pain?" He asked the woman. Her name was by some crazy coincidence, Madison and she went by Maddie. He found it suiting that even when he wanted to get away, she would still be with him.

"Like an eight," He could tell she was trying to hold back her tears and be strong, but she was clearly at a 10-pain wise. He had found her as she fell off of a small overlook, she was clutching on a rock on the cliffside. He had never seen someone so happy to see him, she told him she had been holding on for 20 minutes calling for help before he showed up. He had done his best to anchor himself down before reaching out and grabbing hold of her free hand, unfortunately the earth beneath him broke apart and he fell with her down to a ledge about ten feet below. "How about you?" He had been trying to avoid his injuries, not only because he wanted to focus on helping them get out of this but because he knew the risks of being on blood thinners.

"I'm fine," He lied.

"Don't lie, I can obviously see your head is bleeding."

"Head injuries always bleed bad."

"And they way you keep favoriting your left side, I may not be a medical professional, but I can tell what broken ribs look like."

"Alright fine I'd say a six but its fine, we need to get you help."

"You have been trying for hours to get us out of here, just sit down for a minute, there is no one coming tonight." He hated that she was right, that they were stuck together as he watched her shake from the break of what he guessed was her femur, afraid that internally she nicked the artery. He slid down beside her hand held out his hand, his shoulder was sore, and he was pretty sure it was dislocated from the pull down, but he didn't want to indulge another thing to worry about.

"I know the pain is worse than a 10, you can squeeze my hand if you want to." He could see her resilience, must be something about the name, she had a lot of the traits Maddie had. Eventually she gave in and took his hand, leaning against his bad shoulder and squeezed through the pain, burning her face into him as she tried to hold back the tears. He hoped that he didn't make matters worse when he set it, using his zip up as a tourniquet. With the combined body heat, the cold wasn't as bitter, but this wasn't going to be a great help. He prayed that his sister's over protective nature would help them being found but for tonight he was alone wracking his brain as to what his plan to get them help would be.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello all; thank you for being so patient with this chapter, I apologize that it has taken so long. I work at a hospital and am an essential worker during these hard and trying times and have been working odd hours to try to help during this pandemic. I hope all of you are well, staying safe and self- isolating (sorry that turned into a lecture). I am also sorry about the repost of the last chapter, somehow it disappeared on me, so I reposted and unfortunately played a rude and early April fools' joke. I hope this chapter tides you over until my next chapter, I will try to update soon (I have a week of vacation coming up) Hope you enjoy, thank you again for your patience.

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Maddie could only explain her worry as a feeling of pure dread and nausea. She had encountered this feeling before, Buck's track record with luck would do that to her. She had seen him survive a crush injury to his ankle, a natural disaster and a blood clot to his lung and now this. She had snuck out once Chimney had fallen asleep and headed to straight to Buck's apartment. She wanted nothing more to find him there, but she knew that by now he would have sent her a short text to let her know he was alright. When she walked into the empty apartment the nausea began and she could feel the wet burn of tears beginning to accumulate in her eyes. She slid a chair in front of the door, settled down and began her wait.

A 12-year age difference separated the two siblings, Maddie was very surprised when her parents announced that they were going to add to the family. She hated the idea, not because she wouldn't love the baby unconditionally but rather that her parents… to be frank were not the best. They were both successful, very hard driven people who focused on work over everything. Maddie lost count on the many disappointments of her parents' absence; school functions, dance classes, soccer games to name a few. The only good thing being that at a young age she learned her independence but because she yearned for her parents' attention, she had the rebellious phase and neither parent cared to parent at all. Then Evan was born, and he became her focus as her parents continued on with their lives. At first she resented her brother, she was left to basically become a 12- year old nanny when she wasn't at school but suddenly she realized that she loved taking care of him and she knew that their bond was something she would need. Taking care of Buck actually help pave her career path into being a nurse.

The vibration of her phone caused her to nearly fall out of her chair as she rushed to the counter for her purse. She dug but with frustration could not locate it so she just dumped everything out and quickly grabbed it on its last ring.

"Buck," She asked hopefully.

"No, it's just me," She hadn't even looked at the caller id. "Guess that answers one of my questions," He sighed. His voice was groggy, clearly, he had just woken up and found her gone. "Where are you?"

"At Buck's apartment, I thought it would be my best bet," sadly that wasn't the case.

"Why didn't you wake me, I would have come with you."

"There wasn't a guarantee and I knew I was just going to come sit and worry."

"I can come sit and worry with you," he offered.

"No, you have a shift tomorrow," She protested. "Get some sleep, I will call you if he comes home."

"Maddie…" he began to protest.

"I promise, listen, thank you for being here for me and for Buck, you truly are a great man."

After a moment of silence he spoke, "if you need me, call me," instructed, "I mean it," he added before hanging up with her. She sat alone in the dark, only the moon cast a small among of light through the broad kitchen windows. She looked at her phone it was 2am, she began to doubt that he would show up now but she clung to the hope that he would.

Chimney had walked into work late looking absolutely exhausted and disheveled, it was instantaneous how everyone noticed. Hen was the first to watch him ignore the first round of coworkers asking if he was okay, instead he pushed his way to the locker room he threw his things in his locker. She slowly moved her way over, she knew that he knew she was standing outside the doorway.

"What's with this look today," She inquired. She watched as his shoulders fell with a heavy sigh, he looked up and scoped out the area before he turned to her and answered with one word.

"Buck."

"Is he alright," suddenly she began to worry not that she hadn't been the moment that Buck had walked out with so much as a goodbye.

"He didn't come home last night, Maddie is worried."

"Maybe he just needed some space, maybe he went out with friends," she suggested.

"From the way he has been the past couple of weeks I don't think he had anyone he was turning to."

"What about Carla?"

"I texted her this morning, she hasn't heard a thing." He looked at her with tired eyes, in that one glance she could see he was just as worried as her.

"Has Maddie called the police?"

"It's only been 16 hours, too early to file a missing person's report."

"What about Athena," Hen asked, "I'm sure Bobby can…"

"No, Maddie doesn't want everyone to know, I shouldn't have even told you."

"Chim! Buck is family of course you should have told me." She looked behind her; Bobby and Eddie stood garage floor doing a horrible job hiding the fact that they were trying to listen in. "Regardless of what is happening, he is family and this is a crisis."

"I know but…"

"But nothing; this isn't like Buck, he wouldn't just disappear like this." She recalled a prior conversation that she had with Buck in the hospital. It was two days after he was admitted. As soon as she entered the room she could cut the tension between Buck and Maddie with a knife. Chimney had warned her prior to the visit about the sibling's spat but she didn't know it would feel this awkward. After slight convincing she had managed to get Maddie out to go home, shower and eat; there Buck had confided in her. He had told her that he didn't want Maddie to carry all this weight on her shoulders. Between all of her Doug situation and all of his injuries and bad luck she would surly go insane in his mind. She saw how disappointed and guilt he held for causing a good chunk of Maddie's anxiety. No matter how had she tried, Hen was unable to convince him that he wasn't to blame.

"You're right, I need to tell Bobby," Chimney finally sighed, scrubbing a hand over his tired eyes.

"Come on I'll go with you." Chimney slowly got up from the bench and reluctantly made his way over to Bobby and Eddie, Hen by his side as they filled them in.

Somehow, he didn't know exactly how but somehow Buck had managed to stay awake for the night. He credited his small amount of knowledge of head injuries to Maddie and his first aid 101 class, not to mention watching Hen and Chimney work on patients. He knew better than to fall asleep, best case scenario he had a concussion but worst case he had a brain bleed from the fall; a head injury is unpredictable especially when you are on blood thinners. The pounding headache that lived through the night, coupled with the nausea and dizziness weren't making him feel any better on the outcome. In addition to that his whole side ached and when he found the courage to try to lift his shirt his body screamed with pain and he was greeted with a horrible black and purple bruise only emphasized by pale skin.

He had pushed aside his own injuries through the night, instead he monitored Madison who slept fitfully, walking up in a panicked sweat. When he laid the back of his hand on her forehead he could feel that she was cool and clammy, the sweat must have been from the amount of pain she was in. She would wake up every once in a while, sobbing, unable to hold back from the pain of her broken femur. He knew that with the fracture and the fact that the bone had broken skin there was risk of infection. It helped keep him awake so he could monitor her and also try to figure out a way out of this mess. There was no way he could move her, she wasn't going to be able to walk on her own and truthfully he wasn't sure he could handle the weight.

The ten foot drop above them was just that, a ten foot drop with no way back up. He wasn't going to be able to climb, there wasn't really a rocky surface and his shoulder was definitely dislocated. He had seen below them before the sun had cleared the horizon, it was maybe 8 to 9 feet below, not that he would love to fall another drop but if he could get to steady ground maybe he could walk to find help. He figured, after a while his concussion/ head injury had made him crazy and the idea of trekking alone while injured was a stupid idea, not to mention he couldn't leave Madison alone.

The sound of shaky attempts as calming breaths alerted him that Madison was awake and still in an immense among of pain. She was paler than he remembered, then again she was covered in her own blood. He looked down at her leg, the bleeding had stopped, for now but he wasn't sure his tourniquet would last very long, he would have to retighten it soon and he didn't know if he could cause her more pain.

"Do you want some of your water," he offered. She shook her head with gritted teeth, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze as she readjusted herself next to him. Her pale skin was almost a greenish hue every time she attempted to move.

"Do you think anyone will be by soon," she asked trying to divert her attention from the pain. Buck looked at the position of the sun, it had just risen maybe three hours ago he had guest.

"Probably, the early hikers usually arrive about now." He didn't want to discourage her but it was cold and it looked like it would rain soon, not to mention it was a Wednesday not a lot of people would be here today.

"I'm freezing." She tried to push herself closer to him, letting out a sharp hiss from the jarring movement of her leg.

"I'm sure it will get warmer soon, it is California," he half heartedly joked. She only nodded slightly to avoid anymore movement.

"We will get out of here," She spoke with uncertainty in her voice though it was supposed to come out with confidence.

"Yeah, someone will pass by in no time," He tried to speak more confidently but fell short. He looked above and below them, silently cursing himself for not bringing his phone or at least shooting Maddie a text; another thing for her to worry about. He laid his pounding head atop Madison's trying his best to stop the world from spinning, hoping that someone would come by soon.


	5. Chapter 5

Maddie nearly fell out of her chair trying to rush to the door, part of her dreaded the thought of answering, if it were Buck, he obviously would have just entered. She checked through the peep hole and felt her stomach plummet. Shakely, she unlocked the deadbolt and reached for the doorknob, hesitating to open the door to the person on the other side.

"Athena," She greeted.

"Maddie, may I come in?" Maddie nodded and let Athena pass, she lingered at the door for a moment before shutting the door and joining Athena at the kitchen island.

"To what do I owe the visit," she asked nervously. She grabbed some waters from the fridge and handed one to Athena who was dressed in full uniform only adding to Maddie's anxiety.

"I think you know why," Athena spoke authoritatively.

"Howie," Maddie sighed in slight frustration.

"Why didn't you call me," Athena sounded almost offended.

"I don't know." She collapsed into the chair and covered her face. "At first… I don't know I thought maybe he wanted to be alone but then he never came home."

"You should have called me or even Bobby."

"Buck didn't leave on the best terms."

"Bobby told me last night, it may not seem like it but he is genuinely worried."

"I dont have a doubt about that," Maddie wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She stood up and paced the kitchen before setting in front of the floor to ceiling windows of the kitchen. The clouds in the sky had formed and become dense and gray, growing darker as the took over the blue sky. "Buck talked to me about how he didn't feel like he didn't belong, I thought he would figure it out but he just kept pushing me away and Howie too."

"He was isolating himself the other day when I went."

"I tried Athena, I really did but he has changed so much, and its not only because of the lawsuit; this happened long before that."

"The tsunami." Athena had noticed the change, when she visited, she noticed Buck become not as energetic and more fearful.

"It started there, he had nightmares and then this happens, and I should have seen it."

"Maddie, you didn't miss anything you've seen it, I've seen it but he tried to convince us he was fine."

"I didn't think it would come to this but if he hurt himself, if he…"

"Stop that, don't go there," Athena forced Maddie to sit down, took both her hands and spoke firmly. "I am going to start looking, until then I don't think you need to be alone, the others are coming."

"The others?"

"Chimney, Hen, Bobby and Eddie."

"Athena, it's okay…"

"We are all worried, we need to stick together it's the family we have." Maddie nodded giving Athena's hand a tight squeeze. "We are going to bring him home."

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The nausea was full force right now and he couldn't stop the world from spinning so quickly but he was sure this wasn't anything more than a concussion. He figured by now, being on blood thinners a brain bleed would have killed him by now. For the time being he was safe, in pain but safe; he couldn't say the same for Madison though. He worried as she developed a fever and her leg was starting to grow cold. He had tried to keep her awake, talking about anything and everything but she had eventually fallen asleep and for now maybe that's what she needed. He looked up at the sky, a storm was coming, and he worried about being exposed to a downpour, from the looks of the sky it looked to be building up to just that.

"Buck," He quickly turned his attention to Madison. "Buck, I don't feel good." He looked place his hand to her forehead again, she was burning up. Next, he moved to her leg, the blood had stopped but instantly his heart dropped when he saw a small red streak forming, trailing up her from her injury and up the thigh.

"It's okay someone will come soon." He barely recognized his own voice; it was hoarse and weak as he had spent the majority of the morning calling for help. He knew once that rain started there would be no one in the park at all. "We are going to get out of this." He knew that the likelihood of them being found in time was slowly growing thin.

"I don't want to die down here," Madison sobbed weakly.

"You won't don't think like that."

"I…I just came up her to clear my head." She had explained to him the fight that she had fiancé over something trivial and how she had made her way to the hiking trail to get away. "I want to see her again Buck, tell her I'm sorry."

"And you will," He held her hand tight, feeling tears of his own form. He felt the same way, he wanted to apologize, to Maddie for not appreciating everything she had done for him, to his team about how selfish he felt and stupid he was for filing that damn lawsuit. He wanted to tell them he was so sorry for cutting them out when they were hurting too and how much each of them meant to him. "You will get to see her again and apologize," he assured her. He listened to her cry for a while, telling her it was okay after each time she would apologize for being a blubbering mess. He was scared, he wouldn't deny that, not just for himself and Madison but for the thought of putting Maddie through this panic. To add on to it all he felt the first fat raindrop hit him on the cheek, followed by another, and another until finally a steady flow started to fall. He carefully pulled Madison close to him, trying to shield her as best he could, hoping that soon it would pass or better, yet they would be found.

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Maddie watched as the rain hit the windows with heavy thunks against the glass. She had been standing there ever since the rain had started, wondering if Buck was stuck in this or maybe someplace dry.

"Maddie," She jumped as Howie laid a hand on her shoulder, a left-over reaction with her time with Doug. "Sorry I didn't mean to startle you, I just brought you a plate." He handed Maddie the paper plate with a slice of pizza. She had no interest in it even though she hadn't eaten anything today or the day before. "You need to eat Maddie," he insisted. She nodded, looked behind him at Bobby, Hen and Eddie who all watched her nervously. She kissed Howie on the cheek and walked over the living room to eat, setting beside Christopher who was sitting alone watching some cartoon she had never seen.

"Mind if I join you," she asked. He smiled at her and patted the seat beside him.

"Are you sad?" It wasn't hard for anyone to tell she had been crying and a child Christopher's age would easily ask.

"More worried than sad," she explained.

"Because Buck is missing."

"Yes, because Buck is missing."

"He is brave and strong, he's going to be okay."

"I bet you are right," she smiled wistfully.

"Chris, Buddy go wash up and I will give you some pizza." Eddie entered the small alcove.

"Okay dad," Eddie handed Christopher his crutches and sent him on his way.

"Sorry Maddie."

"Don't apologize, my talk with Chris is comforting."

"I tried to explain why Buck was missing and it just didn't really compute to him."

"He knows, I can tell and he is trying to make sure we are okay." She looked over to Christopher who was being held up to the sink by Bobby. "Buck always tells me how smart Chris is, that he is way smarter than people give him credit for."

"Yeah, him and Chris have a strong bond."

"They had the same mind set," She joked.

"Yeah that too." He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably in silence.

"Eddie, I don't blame anyone for Buck disappearing."

"If I had just stopped being so stubborn but I…"

"You were angry and upset, people are allowed to be angry and upset."

"But not long enough to give my best friend the cold shoulder."

"Funny; that's kind of what Buck said to me a couple weeks ago." Eddie looked at her in confusion; she tossed her plate on the tv stand and turned towards him. "He told me that he understood why you were all upset, and he didn't blame you. He said he had given you all the cold shoulder when he started that lawsuit and he knew he was making a mistake, but he was just mad."

"It did hurt, trying to tell Christopher why but wouldn't come see us."

"That hurt him too; he didn't want it, he didn't want to exile himself from his family but at the time he thought it was the only way to get back on the team." She sighed, thinking about it now maybe that was the time she should have forced him to talk to his friends about his feelings of the matter. "He realized it was a mistake and he dropped the lawsuit but he knew that it was too late. Too late to go back on it and he knew that it was going to take time before he regained any trust."

"I should have just talked to him though, I was just so mad that he cut us all out, went against our family."

"He wanted nothing more to be back with you guys, he went about it the wrong way, but he got lost in the hurt and anger."

"I don't know how you don't blame me, I was mean to him when he came back, I'm the reason he quit."

"Hey, that is not why, is that what you think?"

"If we would have given him a change."

"Eddie, he left because he felt like he messed up, he knew he made you mad and that it was warranted. He knew that he had lost your trust and everyone else's because he acted so rashly, he left because he didn't feel like he would ever truly be trusted." She tried to meet his eyeline, but Eddie was avoiding her. "You may have given him the 'cold shoulder' but he knew what coming back after his mistake was going to be like, leaving again was his decision, I am sure in his head it was what was best for the team. Blaming anyone over him going missing is a waste of time and energy." She stood up and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, "what matters now is that you are here." On cue Christopher returned with Bobby and a plate of pizza. She gave Eddie's shoulder a squeeze and Bobby a smile before leaving and heading upstairs.


	6. Chapter 6

When the rain had started, Buck had tried his best to keep Madison close and shield her but now as the rain had kicked up to a full-on downpour he had given up. They were soaked threw to the bone in only a matter of minutes and they were still trapped. He couldn't remember when he had last checked the weather but by the looks of the sky above, in any direction he look it didn't look like it was going to let up anytime soon. He would be lying if the amount of water beating down on him didn't send him in to mini panic attacks; the magnitude was not a tsunami but he had acquired a small case of aquaphobia, for a straight week he was afraid to step foot in his shower or even run the sink. It had settled significantly but in a stressful situation like this he could feel himself struggle to breath. Panic surged through his body; he was slightly relieved he could pass it off as shivering from the cold of the raindrops, hiding it from Madison.

"Madison," his throat was sore and scratchy from trying to call out to anyone who may be rushing to beat the rain.

"Yeah," her voice was sluggish and quite which scared him.

"I just wanted to check on you," She didn't answer. For a moment Buck began to worry that she had fallen asleep, which he had been trying to avoid. "Madison!"

"Cold…tired," was all she had the energy to push out.

"I know, but you have to stay awake," His heart was pounding in his chest. He couldn't lose her, not after all of this.

"Buck…"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"If… if something happens…"

"Don't start thinking like that, you are going to be fine."

"Buck," She shivered in his arms, hers hung loosely around him as they tried to keep their body heat.

"Madison, you need to stay awake, what about Annie?" Annie was Madison's fiancé, he had asked her about Annie while trying to keep her awake.

"Will you tell her," he could hear the quiver in her voice as she forced out the words, "will you tell her I love her?" He didn't know how they had gotten here. A broken femur lead to infection and it had swooped in so quickly and had overtaken her so fast he didn't understand. He had seen a lot of things, heard a lot of stories but watching her decline so rapidly in a matter of what had to be 24 hours had just blown his mind, there had to be other damage he hadn't accounted for.

"No because you will tell her yourself."

"Buck," she squeaked out.

"Madison; you need to stay strong, keep going, for Annie." She squeezed his hand weakly as if to tell him she was listening; she didn't agree but she had heard him. He looked up at the cliffside, almost hoping by some miracle someone would be there, he felt silly when he saw nothing but the wisps of grass hanging over. He pulled Madison in close and held her tightly trying to give her a better chance, but he knew what he needed now wasn't body heat but a rescue, first aid… a hospital.

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Maddie laid in Howie's arms, lost in thought, not paying any mind to a thing around her. She felt trapped in a nightmare where she was unable to wake up and see this for all it really was, some sort of sick dream. But a dream it was not; Buck was still missing, hour 24 had come a gone and she was still left with a sinking feeling in her stomach. She had even been desperate enough to believe that Buck may have gone to their parents, she had called them, but they hadn't heard a thing. She looked out the kitchen window; the rain still pelted down; the forecast had called for possible flash floods which only added to her worry. She had tired herself out trying to wrack her brain on all the possible places Buck could be, they checked his gym, favorite restaurants, bars, even the hiking trail he frequented everyday but there was no sign of him.

She suddenly had the urge to get up, feeling almost claustrophobic and that coupled with her panic over Buck was too overwhelming. She got up, careful not to draw suspicion she even had the fortune of not waking Howie as she untangled herself from his arms. As for the rest of the team, Eddie stared mindlessly at the television set as Christopher snored away on his lap, Henrietta, like Howie had fallen asleep mid texting and Bobby, he had been there a moment ago. She crept out of the Alcove and grabbed her phone off the kitchen island, no calls or texts from Buck.

"Maddie," She nearly jumped out of skin at Bobby's sudden appearance. "Sorry," he apologized seeing her reaction.

"It's fine, you just startled me," She continued on, shoving her cellphone in her pocket and grabbing her coat.

"Are you okay?" She knew he was just asking to be nice, but her anxiety level was sky high, she was on edge and now that overwhelming feeling was becoming unbearable.

"Of course, I'm not," She hadn't meant to sound so snappy, but she could see that Bobby still held that kindness in his eyes, he understood.

"That was a silly question, I know right now is stressful," he elaborated, "I just meant are you leaving."

"I just need to get some air; I feel so boxed in here."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"That's sweet really but I just need a minute," she ruefully smiled.

"Okay," his voice was always so calm and soothing, she liked that about him. Being a captain of the team, she thought it was a good quality to have in times like this. "Here, takes an umbrella it's still raining." She nodded and gratefully accepted his offer before opening the door.

"Bobby," she stopped. "Maybe a little company wouldn't hurt."

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Athena was worried, no that was an understatement she was terrified. Evan Buckley and she had gotten off on the wrong foot on day one but then he had redeemed himself and he quickly grew on her. When this whole thing started with the lawsuit, she hoped that same thing would happen for the team. She knew Bobby had guilt when he gave the report to not let Buck back after his PE and then after the lawsuit, he still wrestled with having him back at all. She had stood in the kitchen with him, cleaning the dishes after Buck brought the papers over. She had to talk him down from his anger, tell him that what he was feeling was what Buck was probably feeling too. The talk had helped simmer his anger, but she knew that the betrayal was still there, that the whole team had felt it going forward and when Buck had finally made his way back she knew it was going to still be there. She had seen it that day she saw him eating alone at the picnic table, she saw it the days before that when he was distanced from the others, keeping busy to not notice his loneliness.

She would be lying if she said she hadn't tried to call Buck four or five, maybe even 20 times as she worked on locating him. She had put in the call to the cellphone services to turn his phone back on but without another person on the account with him and state laws it was going to take some time to get it back online. She had gotten pushback from her boss from putting an APB out on Buck's truck, mostly because at the time it hadn't been the full 24 hours, but her Captain stood behind her. She knew this was something more than Buck hiding from his problems, she knew something wasn't right that he wasn't okay.

She looked at the clock, it was nearly 8:30, but had been missing for almost 30 hours which was too long. She looked at her phone, Michael had taken the kids, he had just texted her that the kids were asleep, and that Harry had asked close to 100 questions about what was going on. Athena was grateful that Michael had a way of calmly explaining things, not making them seem so scary to Harry or even Mae though she was old enough now to understand. She shot back a quick text to let him know that she hadn't gotten any word yet but she would let him know. He shot back a quick "Okay" before adding, "It will be okay."

It was as if Michael had sensed it because Athena was yanked from her thoughts as her Captain Elaine Maynard called her name from her office. Athena scuttled out of her seat and to Maynard's office, she didn't even get to ask if Maynard wanted to have her close the door before her captain spoke.

"That APB you sent out, they have a hit, Lafayette park officials have spotted the truck."

"Any sign of Evan Buckley," she asked hopefully.

"Unfortunately, no and in this weather the trails are pretty flooded, they will look for him but not until it lets up."

"I don't think there is enough time for that."

"I tried Athena but the trails are very dangerous in these conditions, they wont send out a search and rescue."

"Okay…" she had to think, there had to be a way."

"Sargent Grant, by my calculation, your shift ended about two hours ago, we aren't paying you overtime." It took her a moment to understand but she caught on.

"Thank you," She nodded gratefully.

"be safe and smart out there Athena," Maynard added as Athena ran from her office, grabbing her coat, keys and phone on the way out.

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Maddie finally let out a deep breath as she walked out of the complex and onto the empty sidewalk. Bobby opened the umbrella and held it above their heads, the rain water began to build up and was now well up to their ankles. She didn't feel better but the claustrophobic feeling had passed and now all that was left was the anxiety of this whole day.

"I should have gone after him," Bobby finally said after letting them stand in silence for about 5 minutes. "I should have realized he was just missing our family and the job."

"I wont lie to you Bobby, when he told me that he wanted to go to work after the ankle injury, I was livid."

"You were worried."

"Terrified; I had watched on national television as my brother cried out in pain and was threatened by a mad man." She kicked at the water that was biting cold at her ankles. "There was no stopping him, he wanted so badly to be apart of the team again."

"I know we had that talk when I visited him."

"I stood by him and after his second scare I wanted to force him to take a step back and you did that."

"By telling him he couldn't come back."

"But it was worse watching him deal with that and then you let him back and everything was different."

"Maddie…"

"No, Bobby, everyone treated him differently, he made a mistake and I told Eddie I don't blame you for this, I don't want to but you have to understand the defeat I saw in his face every day." Bobby stayed quite knowing she wasn't finished. "I watched as he began to realize he didn't belong, that he wasn't the same in your eyes or Eddie's or the rest of the station. He was discouraged and hurt, and he blamed himself and sure he made that mistake, he broke your trust but watching the old Buck disappear…"

"That wasn't my intention at all," he assured her.

"Just as his sister, seeing him lose himself… its been hard and now he quit the thing he fought so hard for and he's disappeared."

"I know and there is no way I can possibly apologize for how we have been towards him. We were all upset but I should have seen how hard he was trying, that he was taking this seriously."

"This job, it's the only thing I have ever seen him so passionate about, he was a troublemaker growing up but then he changes, and he made up his mind." The day he had come to her to tell her that he wanted to be a firefighter was one day she would never forget. He always confided in her first rather than their parents. She remembered this was one of the last big talks they had before she married Doug and distanced herself which she hated. She had just finished a 12-hour shift, Doug was on overnights and when she came home, she found Buck standing there. She was confused at first, it was in fact late and she was shocked that Buck wasn't working his bartending job, but she welcomed him in, pour some wine and let him talk. He beat around the bush for about half an hour before she forced the answer out of him. At first, she was shocked, taking in his sudden interest she had never knew he had, then she was quiet. It was clear to her that he was waiting anxiously for some sort of reply but when he didn't get one, he elaborated. She had half expected it to be because women loved men in uniforms, but he made key points about how he wanted to make a difference and help people. After listing out her pros and cons she finally hugged him and told him that she supported him no matter what. "It was the first real grown up decision I had seen him make," she recalled with a smile.

"He told me, one night in the beginning, his rookie days.

"I never want you to think I'm not grateful for you, the team and how you've shaped him."

"I lost touch with him, I hated that and he was and still is honestly a child at heart but you helped him and he has told me that and how you made him feel like he was actually good at something."

"He just needed direction."

"I think that's why he left, he lost your trust and he didn't see himself getting it back."

"I should have let him try; I am sorry Maddie."

"I know; I can see it now with all of you here waiting, hoping and trying to get him back." She took in another deep breath; the smell of wet asphalt and rain filled her nose. She turned to walk in, back to the small apartment with walls that were closing. Bobby was closing the umbrella, shaking off the water when his phone rang, he ushered Maddie in while he answered. She was just about to press the button to the elevator when Bobby stopped her.

"They got a hit on his truck."

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Hello All! I honestly have no clue how I got this chapter and the last posted but I did it😊 I just wanted to let you know that I love all of your reviews, a special thank you to for your well wishes, I hope everyone is doing good and that you are health and safe. I also wanted to note that I did not look up parks, I didn't have the time so the park in the story is fictional. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, let me know what you think !


	7. Chapter 7

Buck lay on his side letting the raindrops pelt his face; he had called for help until he no longer had a voice, his throat was raw and scratchy, and his head still pounded heavily from the concussion. He had not wanted to admit it but he had given up, the sun had faded hours ago and no one knew he was there. He looked over to Madison who lay pale and almost motionless beside him. He snaked his arm out from under him and reached for her, her hand was ice, most likely from the blood flow. He had tried everything he could, but he wasn't going to be able to save her. She had fallen asleep almost immediately after she asked him to say goodbye to Annie; he had pleaded for her to wake up, but it fell on deaf ears.

"I'm sorry," he mouthed, tears falling down his cheek as he squeezed her hand. His fingers rest on her wrist, he could feel a fading pulse, she was still alive but not for long. This was his fault wasn't it? He had been the one that made them both falls, he didn't try to get back up and find help, instead he just prolonged her from dying. He had failed her and a lot of others. His team, he failed them at loyalty and trust, he would kick himself for that until his dying breath. Bobby the father figure. Hen the mother hen, chimney a loyal and caring friend and then Eddie, his rival turned best friend. All of them, he had failed all of them but those weren't who he regretted the most… he regretted letting down Maddie. She had cared for him since birth, through two injuries and the depression he felt everyday when he was told he couldn't come back. He didn't tell her how much she meant to him, how much she inspired him and how she was the only family he could count on. He cringed at the thought of her worry and how when they did find him how it would destroy her.

He looked towards the sky only to have his vision cut off by the rain, it hadn't let up and he worried that a mudslide would sweep Madison and him away and no one would ever find them. He could feel himself fading out, he was freezing, his body trembled from the exposer to the rain drops, each one like a pin needle to his skin. His vision swirled and his head throbbing as well as his ribs. Should he just close his eyes here, there was no one coming now, it was far too bad for a rescue crew. A crack of thunder rumbled through the sky followed by a jagged bolt of lightning that light up the sky for a second, a trigger.

He was back in the water, he couldn't breath and he couldn't find Christopher. He was being whipped around in a whirlpool as he struggled to break to the surface, finally getting through he saw Chris. He tried to swim over but no matter how far he got, Christopher was getting farther away. He tried to call out to him, but nothing came out, it didn't stop him from hearing Christopher's cries for help. Buck threw his hand out trying to grab him, but a fire truck blew between them and when it cleared Christopher was gone. Another crack of thunder sent a chill through his spine as he was back to reality, laying on that ledge. He held Madison's had tightly, his fingers pressing harder into her wrist so that he had the reassurance of the very faint thump of her pulse.

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Maddie had prepared herself for a fight when they arrived at the Ranger station, after two hours sitting in a car, she had thought of everything to say to convince them to begin a search. She was surprised when they arrived, a Ranger waited for them just outside the car pass station. He told them he had two rangers out searching, despite what their boss said they were just as determined to find Buck and this other missing hiker. So now after splitting into groups, Maddie stood with Howie, Eddie and a ranger named Louis calling out to Buck hoping for an answer back. She shone her flashlight around into the dark, she felt hopeless with each passing moment, but she didn't let this stop her.

"Buck," She called, echoed by the voices of Howie, Eddie and Louis. She was cold and soaked through to the bone despite the poncho that they were given. She spit out the rainwater that filled her mouth every time she called out, wiping a few strands of hair that were plastered to her face.

"BUCK," each time she called seemed more despite than the last and it was just that way. She needed to hear him call back, needed to hear his voice and feel the relief. She had worried the whole ride over, a million scenarios running through her head on how they would find him or not find him. They made her feel sick, she wouldn't be surprised if by the end of this all she had an ulcer. She yanked her foot upward freeing it from the mud that was suctioning them all down, each step was like walking through molasses.

In the distance she heard Eddie call out again, he sounded as discouraged as her, his voice pleaded his friend to say something. She had started to think of what she was going to say to Buck when they found him, for sure she would give him he was a jerk, her worry about him almost always turned into a stern lecture. She imagined that some point in there she would soften up and probably cry if she had any tears left and tell him that she was worried sick and that if he ever did this again, she would kill him herself. She didn't think about the other possibility though it was weighing heavily in the way back of her mind threatening to pop up any moment. She shook the thoughts away and continued shining her flashlight over every inch in front of her. All she was hitting were trees and mud.

"Evan!" She didn't call him this often actually she hadn't called him that since he was in the hospital after getting his ankle crushed. She had been alone with him; Ali had left for a moment and it gave her a little alone time. She had told him while he was in his pain killer induced sleep that she loved him and that he was the only family she had and that she was so terrified when she saw him under that fire truck. She had told him that he was going to be okay and that there would be a long recovery, but he would be okay because she was going to be there every step of the way.

That was then this was now, she had tried so hard to be there, even when he had pushed her away. She had told herself that he was only pushing her away in frustration and that he needed this half tough love half supportive regiment. Then things got worse and she could see the depression sink its claws into him and that's when she kicked it up a notch, trying to get him up and about but the darkness was overpowering them both and she didn't know how to get him over it. She felt like an utter failure right at this moment, maybe she would have tried harder or maybe she shouldn't have suffocated him so much. She felt guilty for that but also for being so angry at him right now. He had run off and not told a soul where he was going, he just disappeared after making a decision that was obviously soul crushing to him. She was mad that it was almost 1:30 in the morning and she was calling for him and he wasn't answering. A crack of thundered roared angrily through the sky followed by clash of lightning that light up their surroundings with a great light. She used that moment to search around but all she saw were Eddie, and Howie doing the same.

"Evan," she cried in frustration, but her voice was drowned out by another clap of thunder.

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Buck clung to that pulse, he felt himself losing the battle to stay awake despite the constant rainfall nearly drowning him from its thick sheet. He wasn't in pain, or rather his body was too numb from the cold to feel it anymore. His eye lids were heavy, weighing too much to keep open for very much longer. As another streak of lightning light up the sky he felt almost a peace. He knew that he wasn't going to last much longer, and unlike earlier, he was now thinking about the impact he hoped he would leave with each and every one of his friends and his sister. He was remembering ever good moment, erasing the past few months from his mind.

He focused on the good; like Hen cracking jokes and her infectious laugh, Bobby trying to teach him how to cook and patient nature, Chimney and Maddie butchering karaoke classics and Eddie demolishing him at darts during a night out at the bar. He hoped they all stayed that happy, he hoped they never lost that sense of humor, patients, love and caring nature that he loved. He hoped that they didn't blame themselves for this because honestly it wasn't anyone's fault. This was a freak accident, all he wanted was to clear his head. All he wanted to do was get out for a little before explaining why he did what he did. He didn't expect to cross paths with Madison and he definitely didn't intend to die next to her in the middle of a downpour but here he was.

His eyes grew heavier letting him know that he couldn't fight it anymore. He pulled himself closer to Madison, finally letting go of her hand and instead wrapping her in his arms. He wanted her to feel that she wasn't alone in her final moments, and maybe he wanted to feel the same thing. Everything seemed to fade out around him; the feeling in his body, the patter of the rain and finally as his eyelids closed the world around him. He began to fade out but just before he could swear he hard from a distance the voice of his sister call for him.


	8. Chapter 8

"Don't ask," Maddie stopped Howie as he walked up beside her. It had been a trying two hours, no results and she was beginning to worry that they would never find Buck. She had been checking her phone every few hours, Carla had agreed to stay at Bucks apartment in case he came home but Maddie knew that it wasn't going to happen. His truck was here, when she had used the spare key, she had found his phone and wallet in the glovebox.

"I know we keep asking, we are just a worried," Howie explained.

"I know but I'd be lying when I said I'm fine, I'm a nervous wreck and I know you all are too." She looked over to Eddie who was searching the tree line for any clues, it made her wonder how far Athena, Bobby and Hen had gotten in their search. The walkie had been silent, the last update was an hour ago when the group of Rangers who had started the search had hit a dead end. "I am worried we are running out of park to search."

"This park is huge, there is a lot of ground to cover." He shined his light over the small distance in front of him, searching high and low for any signs of Buck. He looked back to Maddie who was doing the same, her face drained of color, her eyes puffy from silently crying this whole time. He knew she was exhausted; they all were but she had been worried nonstop since he called her to tell her Buck had quit. She only nodded in agreeance to his counter and continued on with her search. Her voice was beginning to weaken as she called Buck's name, but she made herself as loud as she could hoping that he would call back.

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Buck opened his eyes again, the rain had died down, but the cracks of thunder still rumbled in the sky before a blinding streak of lightning light it up. He listened close between the angered sky, still believing he heard hear. Her voice was so clear, this couldn't be some cruel trick his mind was playing on him, right? Somehow, he found the strength to pull himself up, letting go of Madison who was now as white as a sheet and almost completely still.

"BUCK!"

"Maddie," he squeaked out. His heart pounded against his chest listening again, waiting until he heard it again.

"BUCK," her voice sounded desperate, that was here that was Maddie. She was so close and so clear.

"Maddie," he tried to yell but it fell short and was drowned out by a roar of thunder. He began to panic, he had weakened his own voice yelling hours ago, he feared that he wasn't going to be able to grab her attention. He shook Madison's shoulder trying to wake her but he knew it wasn't going to work.

"Buck," this time another familiar voice called to him… was that Eddie?

"I'm here," he tired yelling but he just barely made a sound. His heart sunk as he listened to them call for him, unable to respond. He could feel the prick of tears in his eyes, he felt helpless, something he had felt a lot of lately and now he was stuck, in need of the people he had betrayed. He looked up to the edge above, praying someone would find him.

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Eddie had fallen, at the time it was pure misfortune, his foot was stuck again in the mud pit under him. He was being sucked down, unable to free his boot as he tried to yank himself free. He was tired, aggravated and to be honest he was losing hope so add on to the fact that he was now stuck only added to his frustration. At the time it was misfortune when he finally yanked his foot free but left behind his boot, and then again when he fell to the ground unaware of how close he was to the edge of an abyss he couldn't see. Lucky for him his yelp from the fall caught Maddie and Chimney's attention and they were quick to grab his ankles to stop him from falling further. But what had been misfortune moments ago turned to sheer luck and he quickly swatted away at Chimney's hand as he had reached out to help Eddie up.

"What," Chim asked confused. Eddie didn't have to look back to know that Maddie and him were exchanging glances but he wouldn't change his gaze anyway. His flashlight had fallen with him, over the edge, out of his hand but as it fell it cast a light on the very thing Eddie was fixated on.

"Give me your flashlight," he snatched Maddie's light out of her hand, pulling himself close enough to the ledge were he could safely plant himself but also check and make sure he wasn't seeing things. Both Chimney and Maddie fell beside him, inching their way over as Eddie searched below. His light finally hit a leg and worked its way up until, with great relief it fell on to Buck's face.

"Buck," Maddie shouted. Her heart leapt out of her chest as she saw her little brother squinting against the light to look up at them. "Oh my god, he's alive," she sobbed. For a moment she was over the moon with excitement, tears of joy poured down her face with the rain water but not they had to get him out and from a fall of that height she could only imagine the injuries that he could have.

"Eric," Eddie called to the ranger. "We found them."

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Bobby, Athena and Hen were out of breath well before they reached the rest of the group. The minute they heard over Ranger Lawrence's radio, "We found them," they took off running. By the time they reached them the local fire department had shown up, in full gear set up to scale the cliff side to pull Buck and the mystery woman up.

"What do we know," Hen asked huffed out.

"He can hear us but he lost his voice, probably from hours of calling for help and being exposed to the cold so we don't know much."

"And this crew?"

"The 197, they are based about five miles down the road from the park," Chimney watched as one of the firefighters clipped a carabiner to his harness.

"We offered to help but they said the conditions are to risky," Eddie rolled his eyes, "Like we haven't dealt with this before."

"They are going to get Buck up, that's what matters," Bobby reassured him. Maddie was clinging tightly to Chimney, watching anxiously they had gone over the risks with her no doubt, having such a muddy surface they ran a risk of a mud slide. These were not uncommon in California, it happened more than Bobby wanted them too, in fact he remembered a call that was one of Bucks first with them.

"She's going down," Chimney announced. Everyone held their breath, watching anxiously as the firefighter propelled down, disappearing from their sight 15 feet back from the work area. Bobby felt Athena grab for his hand and hold it tight as they waited and tried to hear anything from the team trying to rescue Buck.

"Have a medic on standby we have one coming up," They heard the radio sound. They huddled close together shivering in the rain as the team began to pull up the first person. Maddie danced in place, bouncing from one foot to the other, she would be ready to sprint to Buck's side the minute he surfaced and Chimney was there to hold her back while they unharnessed him and handed him over to the medical team. They finally saw the basket gurney was pulled over the edge revealing a sheet white faced woman. Medics rushed to her aid and rushed her away freeing the basket to be lowered down again.

Maddie worried, he had been awake when they found him so that was a good sign, but that woman didn't look well, and the injuries Buck probably endured were 10x more deadly with him on blood thinners. It felt like an eternity, waiting, Chimney could feel Maddie's grip tighten with each passing moment. Finally, they could hear a commotion coming from the cliff side, the crew member by them had since walked to far away for them to hear his walkie, instead they were holding their breath again waiting. As soon as they saw the basket gurney appear Maddie let out a sob and broke free of Chimney, not that it mattered because him and the rest of the team were behind him, dodging the firefighters.

"Evan," Maddie cried. She reached him just as the paramedic was throwing over a warming blanket over him.

"Mads," His voice was barely a whisper, yet it was the greatest thing she had ever heard.

"I'm right here, we are all right here." The team gathered behind her. She reached out and for a moment her hand touched his, it was cold and clammy, but his fingers intertwined with hers and she felt the absolute relief right up until the paramedics whisked him away and he was gone.

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Buck did not remember much after being rescued; what he did remembered looking up and seeing a light and for a moment he thought he had died. He quickly realized he had not when he saw Eddie and Maddie staring down at him, calling out to him. He wanted to badly to call back, but he was tired and cold, and everything was getting blurry. The next thing he knew he heard more voices, ones he did not recognize, and Maddie, Buck and Chimney were gone. He remembered wanting to close his eyes, but he forced himself to stay awake so that when whoever was going to come down to save him arrived, he could insist they take Madison first.

"Evan; my name is Lieutenant Carver; we are going to get you out of here." That was music to his ears, he had just enough energy to shake her off and point at Madison and Carver seemed to understand that if Madison did not go up first, Buck was not budging. As they pulled Madison up, he remembered silently praying that they would get her in time, save her life so that he would not have to face Annie to tell her he was sorry for losing her. As he watched her disappear over the ledge, he prayed the medics could rush her to the hospital in time.

"Your next." His head lolled over to Carver, his eyelids falling heavily as he began to feel the darkness closing in. "Not right now Evan, you have to stay awake, you have a very worried sister topside." He forced his head up and down in a weak nod as he allowed Carver to pull him into the basket and clip him in. She patted his shoulder and gave him an assuring smile and then he was being pulled upwards towards a bright light above, the rain now misted over him, the rumbling in the sky had moved on and the lightning had stopped lighting up the sky. He remembered being blinded by the flood lights and jumping when hands touched him.

"It's okay Evan we've got you." He closed his eyes for a moment as he was transferred over to a gurney that was standing by a warming blanket thrown over him. And then she was there, her voice at least, and he had to open his eyes to believe it was real.

"Mads," he could barely hear himself. She reassured him that she was there, they all were, and he felt the warmth of her hand in his and in that moment, he knew he was safe, he had made it. He was on the move again and his grip on her hand slipped, she was gone, and he was being loaded into an ambulance. He was safe now, he could let go and relax now and he did, he closed his eyes and that was the last thing he remembered.


	9. Chapter 9

Buck would be in and out of it for two days before he fully wakes up. The first time, he felt like he had been run over by a steamroller, his whole body aced but he knew it was not as bad as it could be. He guessed that there were some good pain killers in effect because his mind was fuzzy, and he could not even summon enough strength to open his eyelids. For now, he was taking in the pungent smell of hospital grade alcohol and listening to the beeps on his monitor. He could feel the weight of a pulse ox meter weighing down his left-hand pointer finger. He tried again to pull himself the sheet of haziness, but he was far too tired and weak and again he fell back asleep.

When he came to again, his body still ached, and the weakness still weighed heavy on them but this time he pried his eyes open. The room was still and dark, but the outside light cast enough into the room for him to make out things in the room. He would see the lays of blankets covering him from the neck down, the bed-side tray was pushed over his knees, a half- eaten jello and a bottle of water occupied its surface. Slowly he moved his head to the side and there she was, Maddie. She was fast asleep, contorted awkwardly in a hospital chair. He tried to reach out to her, but his arm was trapped under the blankets and quite frankly he did not have the energy to try to lift them instead he let his eyes roll into the back of his head.

The final time he woke up and it was daytime, the sun beamed through the windows, lightening up the pale blue walls. For a moment he shut his eyes tight but when he opened them again, he glanced over at the chair Maddie occupied. She was fully invested in one of her books; one of her mystery novels, he remembered her reading that genre since he was a kid. She stayed focused in the pages but when he made a slight groan from stretching out his sore body, her head shot up.

"Buck," She practically threw her book on the side table in order to scurry over next to him. Before he had time to respond she had already thrown her arms around him, it was painful, but he did not protest. She held on to him for a long moment before she finally let go, with tears in her eyes she hit him on the shoulder, "Dammit Buck," she cried.

"Ow!"

"Sorry… just… well dammit Buck," she replied flustered. "Do you have any idea how worried I was."

"I know… Mads I'm sorry."

"Sorry," she nearly yelled. "Buck, I had to hear from Howie that you quit and then you go radio silent!"

"I know I just didn't want to worry."

"By making me think the worst had happened!"

"I honestly just went to clear my head Maddie, I just wanted to clear my head and then I was going to talk to you."

"I thought you were…"

"And I never intended that, I just needed space." She let out a lengthy sigh and for a moment he thought she was going to respond but instead she embraced him again and began to cry. Finally, she pulled back from him, leaving her hand holding his shoulder, tears tracked down her face as she looked him in the eye.

"If you ever do something like this again, I will kill you myself."

"Never again, I promise."

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Buck had wanted to ask but he was hesitant, in fact he would not know what happened to Madison until his discharge. He sat on his bed waiting with Maddie as Chimney pulled the car around, the doctor had just finished the discharge instructions and they were ready to go but that nagging question that he had held off on was still there. It must have caught Maddie by surprised, she had to have known he would have asked but still when he asked, she did not hide the shock well.

"Is she alive," it was that simple, he did not elaborate, and he did not have to.

"Yes," Maddie sighed, "She is alive but I'm not going to lie to you, she is not doing good." His stomach hurt; he knew he should not but part of him felt like he held the blame for how she was doing. "Her fiancé came by the second day you were sleeping and said she was critical; the infection was bad, and they had to amputate the leg." Suddenly he felt weak again, dizzy and ready to vomit but he kept his composure. "That wasn't your fault," She could read him like a book. "Her fiancé came to thank you; you kept her alive Buck!" All he could do was nod but he really was not sure what he was nodding to, his head was in a different place. She tried to pry something out of him but for the two-hour car ride he would stay silent, he would not speak, he had resorted back to bottling it up. He could feel her look over her should from the front seat at him, worry in her face and then to Chimney who shared the same look. She settled him on the couch when they got to her apartment before she l eft to talk to Chimney. Even with her whispering he could still hear them clear as day.

"Maddie, are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

"I think it best it just be us, but I don't know what to do, I'm afraid he is going to go back to telling me he's fine until it explodes."

"He has gone through a lot these past few days… months."

"I know, I just don't know how to reach out to him."

"Give him a minute." They muttered a few other things to each other but by then they had walked out of range. He was sick of making Maddie worry, sick of being what felt like a burden. He lay on the couch and pulled the throw blanket off the back of the couch. He wanted to hide in it, was that childish…maybe but he wanted to. He heard the door close; Chimney was gone, and he waited for her to walk in but instead she stayed in the kitchen, cleaning up trying to work idle hands. He knew she wanted to ask but at the same time was afraid and he didn't blame her, after everything that had happened, she was going to be hesitant. He stayed curled up in the blanket and before he knew it, he was asleep.

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He was on the cliff again, rain fell heavy from the sky and a thunderous clap roared through the sky. He was panicked, begging Madison to wake up, begging her to open her eyes but she lay lifeless next to him, she was gone.

"Help," he screamed over another crack of thunder, lightning lit up the angry grey sky. "Please," he cried but there was no one there. He fell to the ground beside Madison whose face was ashen, her eyes open and glossed over. He felt nothing but dread as he began to apologizing over and over to her, about how he had failed her and how he could have saved her, he should have been able to save her.

"Buck," He stopped dead in his tracks, as the voice called to him. He looked around not seeing anything but the cliffside and steady water channel below them.

"Chris," he called back confused.

"Buck, help!"

"Chris," he shouted. He couldn't see him but he heard Christopher shouting loudly his voice being watered down. He frantically searched every direction, trapped on the ledge unable to go anywhere else. His heart pounded in his chest, the wind whipping through the trees above filled his ears. "Chris," he cried out again, but he didn't respond, he wasn't going to. A loud rumble stole him away from his dejection, he looked over just in time to see a huge wall of water crash its way through the channel before in engulfed him.

"NO," he shot up, dripping with sweat and out of breath. Dread surged through his body like a second blood source and he could feel it envelope him in the darkness of the living room he didn't remember falling asleep in.

"Buck," the tired voice of Maddie called from upstairs. Her bedroom light clicked on and after a few scuffles she appeared at the top of the stairs dressed in her pajamas, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

"Just a bad dream," he replied still breathing heavily trying to catch his bearings. She was obviously not convinced; she slowly took the stairs trying to avoid falling as she was still half asleep. He sat up and made room for her beside him.

"Shh, I'm right here," she sat beside him rubbing small circles on his back trying to soothe him like she used to do when he was little. He placed his head on her shoulder finally realizing he could not… no, that he shouldn't do this alone.

"Mads," his voiced quivered, "I'm not okay."

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I am making this story way longer than I intended. The next chapter will be Buck finally unbottling those feelings he has been hiding.


	10. Chapter 10

"I've known," She finally confirmed. She had been waiting for him to finally admit that he wasn't doing okay and here it was. He sat there on the couch with her and it was as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders by admitting it. "I knew you weren't okay."

"I just felt this weight dragging me down and I couldn't surface." A tear fell down his cheek as the knot in his throat grew larger. "I can't eat, I can't sleep; each time I close my eyes I'm back there…"

"The tsunami," Maddie finished the sentence he cut short.

"I have this nightmare where we don't find Christopher, that he drowns, and I have to look my friend in the eye and tell him that his son died because of me."

"But he didn't Evan," she held his hand tight trying to make eye contact with him, but he refused. "You found him, you saved him," she reminded him.

"I lost him Maddie," he pulled away. "I lost him, and he almost died, if I had just stayed on the truck with him, he wouldn't have fallen in."

"He is alive, because of you; he knows you tried, and he calls you his hero..."

"I am NOT a hero," Evan jumped up from his spot on the couch which he instantly regrets when his body screamed at him. "I am not a hero, I didn't save him, that woman did, she carried him to safety, I didn't save him, hell I couldn't even save Madison."

"Madison is alive because you created that tourniquet."

"She lost her leg," he argued.

"Do you honestly think that she would rather have the leg when the result was death?"

"I could have done more," he cried.

"Like what Evan; you were on a ledge where no one could hear you with no medical supplies and no experience."

"I should have gone for help!"

"And risked a fall that could have killed you and then what good would that have done?" She had to take a few breaths to calm herself down from being frustrated with him. "You can't keep blaming yourself for everything when you did your best, sometimes its all you can do and sometimes it doesn't work out the way you want but you did do everything you could."

"I just can't stop thinking about it."

"I know but you didn't have control of those situations; you didn't magically summon a tsunami, natural disasters happen and trying to save Madison, Buck it was an accident, you told me the ground gave way."

"I don't know what to do anymore."

"You talk to me; I am right here for you."

"Maddie that is part of the reason I left that day to clear my head, and to stop bothering you with my problems."

"You are never bothering me Evan," she insisted.

"Are you kidding, Maddie I have seen you worry more about me in the past few months than you should have to."

"I am your big sister; I will always worry about you."

"But you shouldn't have to, not after everything you've been through."

"You mean with Doug?" She got up and guided Buck back to the couch. "Did you forget who was worried about me then," she asked. "Who found me, who held my hand in the hospital room because I was struggling with how it ended, who slept on my bedroom floor for two weeks when I would wake up at night with night terrors. She poked him hard in the shoulder, "You did and that is why I am here because we have each other; you are not a burden or a problem to me Evan, you are my brother."

"I never thought about it like that."

"You have gone through more in the past few months than anyone ever should and it is okay to need help, I did and if it weren't for you I wouldn't have gotten it so next time you think you are inconveniencing me, think again because I will always have your back like you always have mine."

"Okay," and that was it, he hugged her for a long time, crying, finally letting go of those emotions he was bottling up and soon he fell asleep again, exhausted but knowing that Maddie was right there with him.

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The week was trying, he did not sleep well those nights and Maddie did not either. He did feel guilty about that much, but she was right by his side to talk him through it. Chimney would come by every day to check up on him, catch him up on what was happening or tell him about the insane calls they had but most of all he would tell him about how much the team missed him. He hadn't wanted to isolate himself from the team not after all they did to make sure he made it home but he wasn't in a good place, so after a long talk with Maddie they decided to ask them to give him time. This was all with the exception of Chimney; Buck would never do that to Maddie, Chim had been such a great support system to not only him but to Maddie too. It goes without saying too that a small interaction with the outside world, with someone who had stood by him was nice.

"Hey, I'm going to run out really quick," Maddie jogged down the stairs. Worry ate away at him, he knew he had promised her that he would not think of himself as this burden, but she looked exhausted, they were right back to were they started. "I'll only be gone for an hour, there is a few things I need to grab."

"Mads, you know you can spend more that an hour outside, I'm sure Chimney would love some alone time," his weak attempt at teasing.

"He's working smart ass, I just have to stop by the call center, I left a few things it shouldn't take long," She threw a few pillows off the couch trying to dig for her purse, "unless you want to get out and get some fresh air." The suggestion in her voice seemed more like a plea for him to get off the couch and maybe it was because he felt guilty for waking her up every hour of the night or maybe it was because he did feel a little cooped up here.

"Sure," he could almost see her face light up.

"Okay, um go shower and change, gives me some time to do a little cleaning and then we can go." He stopped half way up the stairs to look back at her, she was texting, most likely Chimney to share her excitement and he couldn't help but to smile, it was the first time he had seen her smile in a while.

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He was not okay, but today was one of his better days. Being able to get out of isolation from the world that he had put himself in seemed to remind him that it all wasn't bad. Maddie had the windows rolled down and some mixed radio station playing as they drove along the coast, the sun was out and the weather was at a perfect almost summer like temperature. Buck looked over at his sister, she looked care- free, the wind blew through her hair and her glasses hid the dark circles under her eyes. She had made her quick stop and somehow again convinced him to stay out a little longer. He didn't mind; it was nice to have the fresh air, hear the seagulls in the distance and have the sun warm him.

"Are you hungry," She turned the radio down a little.

"Sure, anywhere in mind." He raised an eyebrow to her hesitation. She thumbed at the steering wheeler keeping her eye on the road and away from him. "Mads?"

"Well its nearly 1:30 and I may or may not have gotten a text from Howie…"

"You want to go to the firehouse."

"Only if you are ready." She pulled her sunglasses up to the top of her head and gave him a good look, "I happen to know that Bobby is making your favorite."

"I don't know," he wrung his hands looking out to the beach.

"I don't want to pressure you into it, I thought I would suggest."

"I supposed that I can't keep avoiding them."

"They miss you, Howie tells me all the time, they ask about you every day." She noted how the corners of his mouth turned up a little but quickly fell again. "It was only a suggestion Buck, you have to be ready." He thought for a long moment before nodding.

"Let's go."

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"Something smells amazing," Hen commented as Chimney and her jogged up the steps to the kitchen where Bobby was working on one of his "masterpieces," as she liked to tease him.

"Perfect timing," He smiled as he pulled the baking sheet out of the oven, "Where's Chim?"

"He said he needed to grab something," Hen shrugged as she tried to steal a piece of garlic bread off of the tray. Bobby batted her away and instead gave her a stack of plates which she took but not before successfully snagged a piece of the bread.

"How was the call," Eddie asked from the couch.

"Well let's just say I will not go rollerblading again."

"I always thought that was a 90's fad anyway." Eddie switched off the television and joined Hen in setting the table.

"It's making a comeback I think, though after today…" she cringed.

"Alright, I think we are all set," Bobby clapped off his hands, "Hen do you want to wrangle the troops."

"Can do Cap." She handed off the rest of the silverware to Eddie and walked back down the stairs. She had found most of the teams grouped together chatting and she sent them up but one person was still MIA. She checked the Locker rooms, called into the bathrooms and even checked the trucks but Howie was MIA.

"Hen, Bobby is asking what the hold up is?" Eddie called from the bottom of the staircase.

"I can't find Chimney."

"Hmm, did you check the parking lot, maybe he ran out to his car," he suggested.

"Not yet," She headed that way with Eddie following her just in time to see Chim walking through the side door.

"There you are, we thought you abandoned us," Eddie laughed.

"No, I do however have a few lunch guests if we could set a couple more spots." Hen and Eddie looked at each other confused then back to Howie who grinned widely. The door opened again and instantly Hen felt overwhelmed with emotion when Maddie and Buck walked through.

"Buck," She cried. Without a second thought she rushed to him and wrapped him in her arms, she could hear the wind escape him as she squeezed tightly.

"Hen, let him go he's turning blue," Chimney patted her back. Reluctantly, she let go and Buck inhaled the air that he was being deprived of.

"Come on Howie, let's go tell Bobby we need two more settings," Maddie excused them to give Buck time alone.

"It's really good to see you Buck," Eddie hugged Buck a little less abrasive, but Buck could feel the same excitement.

"It's really good to see all of you too, I uhm… I'm sorry I've been so distant."

"Sorry, Buck you don't have to be sorry," Hen spoke with concern.

"Yeah, honestly I don't blame you not after how I've been acting lately."

"You were angry, you had every right to be."

"I should have talked it out, not dismissed you."

"We all shouldn't have, we know you've been through a hell of a lot," Hen chimed in.

"Yeah well, I isolated myself and I screwed up."

"We all make mistakes, but in the end as a family we learn to forgive and start fresh."

"What do you say, have a do over be a family again," Eddie asked, "Christopher misses his Buck."

"I miss him too," he laughed back. He looked them both in the eye and held out a hand which Hen swatted away and instead resumed her death crushing hug.

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"I forgot how much I missed this," Buck stood by the balcony watching as Hen and Chimney told their story of todays call. Maddie was holding Chimney's hand fully engaged in the tale and Eddie was cracking some joke about a new nickname for Hen.

"We all missed this." Bobby joined him, crossing his arms across his chest and smiling at the scene. "We were a broken family; can I count your resignation as a false alarm?"

Buck stayed quiet for a minute, still taking in the laughter of his friends and the happiness that his sister had when she was with them. This was his family, it would always be his family, this is where he belonged, but he was not right yet and that could possibly put anyone of them at risk.

"I want to come back but this whole ordeal… it made me realize that I am not okay." He looked over at Bobby who didn't wear a face of surprise but rather one of understanding. Nothing could be brushed by him, he noticed everything about everyone in this place, he was the leader of course. "I've tried to hide it, tried to keep it to myself because everything snowballed out of control and it came to a boiling point and then I was on a ledge facing another life or death situation and it only added on to it."

"I knew you were struggling; I should have asked how I could have helped."

"You did, you asked me a few times if I was okay, but I didn't want to tell anyone that I was drowning."

"This whole thing with the lawsuit and everything… we let it get out of control, I should have been more forward with you from the start, I was afraid that you were going to be reckless but with Madison, you should a selflessness that you've always had I just didn't see."

"I almost got us killed, she could still die."

"Buck, you saved her life, and whether you want to believe that or not doesn't change that." He clapped a hand on Buck's shoulder, a proud dad move that Buck never got. "You fought, when we thought hope was lost, we found you alive."

"I didn't give up."

"You didn't give up and we are proud of you, so when you are ready to come back, your spot is here."

"Thanks Bobby." He could feel that knot in his throat form as he hugged his captain. He knew it would take time to get back to whatever was close to normal, but he had made his amends and so had the team, they were a family again and he couldn't be anymore happy.


	11. Chapter 11

"Buck, they need to be a little higher," Hen called from below him. He readjusted the string of lights with a huff as he balanced at the very top rung of the ladder. It was a mid-December day, one of the colder days even for California but here he was on the top step hanging Christmas lights because Hen had said the firehouse wasn't festive enough. "No Buck, now they are too high."

"I don't see you on the top of this ladder," he called back down as he lowered the strand.

"I thought daredevil Buckaroo would want to do it." She couldn't see him roll his eyes but he was pretty sure she knew. "There, don't move them." He groaned, they had returned to the last position they had been in before she had called up to him. He pinned the lights and slid his way down the ladder to see his handy work.

"I think it look's good," Bobby called as he walked out of the firehouse.

"I told you," Hen grinned, "we needed to be more festive." Buck laughed and put the rest of the lights away. He may have complained but he wouldn't change being here at the firehouse for the world. It had taken time but he was back, were he belonged. After his lunch at the firehouse things were a little ruff, he still wasn't sleeping but some how he would convince Maddie to let him go home. At night he would wake up in that cold sweat, sometimes crying, sometimes breathless but he would be alone. After a while he told himself that talking to Maddie wasn't going to be enough so after a week alone he found Dr. Ian Morrison who saw him once a week. Slowly he began to sleep through a night here or there but eventually the dreams would die down. He still had those moments waking up in a panic but his team and his sister were always a only a phone call away. He wouldn't return to work until late November; Bobby started him off easy and for the first time he was appreciative. He worked part time for the first week, and eventually fall back into place and beginning to feel like he had some control of his life all the while his team, his family stood by his side.

"Well, I came out here to get you both for dinner."

"What did you make tonight," Hen inquired.

"Chili, I figured it's the perfect night for it."

"I am all for that," Hen clapped her hands together and rushed inside. Buck shook his head and laughed as he set the lights aside and started to head in.

"Wait a minute Buck, I have something for you." For a moment Buck was nervous but Bobby face was nothing but kind and he wore a subtle smile.

"What's up Cap?" Bobby seemed a little hesitant but he pulled an envelope from his back pocket and handed it to him. "This came for you today, from the house that saved you, they said that Madison left for you." His heart pounded in his chest as he flipped the letter over and observed the perfect calligraphy, his full name written neatly across.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"Nah, I'll meet you in there," Buck was still blindsided by arrival of this letter. Today was a significant day, it would mark two months since the accident.

"We are in here if you need us." Buck nodded and thanked Bobby, waiting until he had disappeared inside to sit down against the firehouse and open the letter. For a moment he stopped himself, he was afraid to read what was inside but with a letter crafted so carefully he soon pushed away the worry after a deep breath and ripped the seam. The letter itself matched the neat cursive of the envelope on a beige paper folded carefully in a trifold. He fumbled it open to begin reading.

_**Dear Evan, **_

_**I hope this letter finds you, it took me a long time to come up with the right words to say to you, everything I needed to tell you and I still don't think this letter will fully do that. I should start off by thanking you, though there is no way that I can truly thank you for saving my life that day on that ledge when you, yourself were injured. When I work up, I did not remember being rescued, the last thing I can recall is feeling like I was floating but your voice pushing through, begging me to stay awake. I will not lie that haunts me at night, knowing that you did your best to keep me alive and me being ready to let go, but I did not. I woke up to Annie's beautiful face, I got to hear her sweet voice every day because of you. I thank God everyday for you Evan, you saved my life, kept your promise about bringing me home and for that I will never be able to repay you. I have been seeing a therapist trying to cope with everything, the trauma of it all, the loss of my leg; she was actually the one that suggested this letter. I sat at my desk, there were tears shed, a couple of glasses of wine and some pep talks from Annie to get through it all because I held so much guilt for what happened to you. When I woke up, I asked about you, for a long time I was not given an answer and I worried that for some reason that meant that you were either really hurt or dead. Annie held my hand as I waited for something, but it would not come until after I was moved out of the ICU and place on the floor that you had been released from days earlier. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I heard you were okay, safe and home with your sister. I really hope you are dealing with this okay, I remember you telling me of your struggles before with your PTSD. I hope that you are safe and sound, that you have gone back to doing what you love, back to a firefighter because if I learned anything it is that you were meant to do it. I hope you made amends with your friends, become a family again like you told me you once were. Most importantly, the one thing I want over everything for you is for you to be happy. I want you to be happy, I want you to feel normal again like you wanted. You were my saving grace, I saw you struggle, I saw you fight with yourself and when you thought I was out of it I heard you cry. I know you thought that you didn't do enough but what you did was my miracle, I could live without a leg, as long as I am alive that is all that matters and it is all thanks to you. Because of you I get see my friends and family, because of you I married the love of my life, in the hospital bed while I recovered. Because of you I will go on living, for many years, growing old and maybe someday sharing the story to my grandchildren about the insane events that lead up to the incident and the way you, Evan Buckley save my life with no medical supplies and a limited amount of medical knowledge. I don't know if you will get this letter or if you do maybe you wont read it but as I sit here trying to come up with a perfect way to end this, just knowing you are alive will be enough for me. I sent you a picture with it, if my makeshift wedding day, so that you can see that I am happy and okay too. You will always have a special place in my heart and an a gigantic debt of gratitude that I will carry forever. **_

_**Thank you again,**_

_**With Love **_

_**Madison Strella.**_

Evan let out a shaky breath as he wiped the tears that fell down his face. He hugged the letter tightly to his chest for a moment; maybe this was a piece of closure that he needed. Knowing she was excelling, even though she struggled like he did she was pushing forward and so was he. He pulled from the envelope the picture she was talking about; her and Annie, looking lovingly into each other's eyes while someone snapped the picture. He pulled out his wallet and tucked the photo and the letter inside, it would serve as a reminder that she was okay and that he had helped her. He picked himself off the floor, wiping away a few pebbles that stuck to him and headed inside. The intoxicating smell of Bobby's chili was calling to him and his stomach agreed with a grumble. He jogged up the stairs and was greeted by the faces of his family.

"You okay," Bobby asked as he handed him a bowl.

"Yeah," he smiled. "I'm doing great."

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The End, I hope you like this story, I know you I should have had him meet with Madison but everytime I sat down to write it, everything seemed wrong about it. I hope to write another 911 story soon, I do love Buck and the gang, maybe I will pick another character soon. Thank you for all your wonderful reviews, I love the feedback and appreciate each and everyone of you.


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